Me: I can't believe you're really doing this interview with me and my crappy blog. I have to ask -- why?
Will: I heard about your site a while back when I saw a link over at SI.com to something you had written and I check in every now and again. I don't read every day or anything, but I knew of you. When you e-mailed my publicist about the interview, I knew the title of your blog sounded familiar, so when I put them together, I said, "Yeah, why not?"
Me: Unreal. Anyway, tell us a little about Semi-Pro.
Will: I play Jackie Moon, the owner-coach-player of the ABA's Flint Michigan Tropics. My character is a dim-witted clown with a bitching white man's afro who is trying to get his team into the NBA.
Me: Did you do all the basketball yourself or were there stuntmen involved?
Will: There were a couple scenes where there had to be a stuntman. Jackie does this thing where he roller skates down a huge ramp and crashes down at center court. I let the professionals handle that.
Me: It seems to me that all your movies are the same and you have very little range as an actor, yet people continue to go to see your movies. In Anchorman, you played a dumb newscaster who takes his shirt off. In Blades of Glory, you play a dumb skater who crams his fat body into tights. In Ricky Bobby, you play a dumb race car driver who at some point goes shirtless. All you ever do is play an idiot who shows off his sloppy body. Do you think America will ever get tired of that?
Will: Absolutely not. American film-goers are total idiots. They've been going to see the same romantic comedies and action movies for decades, so I see no reason to change up my formula. I have three movies in production that are scheduled to come out between the end of this year and 2009. In one, I play a retired place-kicker who comes back for one more season despite having suffered a career-ending head injury, but demands to play in his old uniform, which is of course too tight for me. It's called The Dumb Fat Kicker. After that, I play a tennis pro who refuses to train and work out who never went to school so he gets all his facts and names and history mixed up. It's called The Dumb Tennis Player. Finally, I really stretch my acting legs. We haven't started filming yet, but I play a world champion checkers player who only plays shirtless. Oh, he's an idiot, too. It's called King Me: The Idiot Checkers Champion Guy.
Me: Wow. Sounds like you've got a franchise going there. If you have to summarize yourself and your career in one word, which would you pick -- hack, fraud or thief?
Will: Excellent question. I am definitely all three of those things. See me in Wedding Crashers? I never stole a paycheck like I did in that one. I guess I would call myself a frauackief. It's the only way to sum up my movie career.
Me: But Will, you were good in Stranger Than Fiction. An all-round solid performance, and you really convinced me you were physically attracted to Maggie Gyllenhaal. Why not take the plunge into more roles like that?
Will: Are you kidding? You know how much work that takes? After those make-out scenes with Maggie, I had to take a Crying Game shower in my trailer. Sorry, but I've got a good thing going here with my current crop of films. Heck, in Ricky Bobby, I didn't even read the script. I just made up my lines as we went. I bet you didn't know that.
Me: I didn't, but it sure explains a lot. I guess you should tell us some more about Semi-Pro at this point.
Will: Well if you've seen one of my movies you've seen them all. To be honest, I can't remember what it's about. I remember that dude who sang Hey Ya being on the set. He might actually be in the thing, but you can't quote me on that. Here, I'll be really honest -- it's the same crap you've always gone to see of mine, and it doesn't matter, because you're going to go and see it anyway. Look! Here I am! Telling you it's the same formulaic crap you're used to! Yet you'll still go to see it anyway!
Me: I do admire your honesty. Thanks for answering all these e-mails.
Will: No problem. It's in theaters Feb. 29. Don't forget to mention that.
Me: Oh, I won't.
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